Verbal abuse of Colin Kaepernick for not standing for the national anthem.

People who talk and move around during the national anthem.

People who talk and move around during Taps.

People who use the incoming alarm as their ring tone.

People who won't pause in traffic for funeral processions.

Unrepentant rapists.

Unrepentant rapist supporters.

Tolerance of systemic racism.

People who prefer privilege over fair and equitable treatment.

The phrase "free, white, and 21."

People who raise hateful or disrespectful children.

People who won't offer their seats to women or old people.

Ryan Lochte's lies.

People who don't say, "Thank you."

Ponytails at PT.

Soldiers who gaggle instead of march.

Sweet spaghetti.

First Lady Obama's eyebrow lady during the first term.

My edges that won't grow back.

Turkey bacon.

People who text or call me after 9pm on a work night.

My scale after 6pm.

​#thingsthatoffendmemorethancolin

​When you are an advocate for victims, the one thing you do not do is play devil's advocate for the accused. You're either one or the other.

A victim's advocate knows that you cannot be both at the same time. You don't straddle the fence. You don't tap dance. You don't double talk. You don't have the luxury of speculating.

Be a devil's advocate. Be a well-intentioned bystander, trying to learn something. Hell. Be an indifferent troll. But tell the truth about it. And don't claim to be an advocate, until you understand and appreciate what it means, and how emotionally strenuous it is.

When you are a victim's advocate, your response is clear, and your role is simple. Believe and support the victim. Nobody said it's easy. But it is that simple.

You do not investigate speculations or gather evidence. That's law enforcement's job. You do not dissect or sharp-shoot the credibility of the complaining witness. That's the defense attorney's job. You are not impartial. That is the judge and jury's job. And any so-called confusion is a self-inflicted hazard of devil's advocacy, much like vicarious trauma is a potential hazard of victim advocacy.

For the love of all that is good and decent, there is absolutely nothing "unambiguously consensual" about sex with an incapacitated person. Not at any age, under any circumstances. The justice system that exonerated Nate Parker is the same flawed one that acquitted George Zimmerman, Darren Wilson, and any other shameless ilk who will likely take the truth to their graves (or trusted circles) about what really happened.

As much as I once admired the work of Parker (his roommate/writing partner/partner in crime, Celestin, can go to hell, too), Bill Cosby, and R. Kelly, all I have to give any of them at this time is contempt, disappointment, and shame. And no, I'm not in any hurry to forgive anybody who has yet to say "I'm sorry."

Show me some remorse. Show some courage of accountability. And don't spin me no long-winded, vague-ass yarns about dark moments of youth, or poor choices of decades past, and try to dress it up as a contrite heart. That dog don't hunt. Own your shit. Tell the truth.

There are many things on which you can blame unapologetically reckless youth. Underage drinking? Check. Smoking weed? Ehhh...sure. Twerking on camera (however badly)? Well...okay. But rape? No. Period. No. You sexually assaulted somebody, and you're not even sorry? Fuck you.

But y'all jokers go 'head on, keep being devil's advocates, and absolving people and incidents in whom or in which you may see past (or present) versions of yourselves.

Go on, and keep your lips pursed to tell your children, spouses, and mothers, how they are complicit in their own peril, because "under certain circumstances," they *could* contribute to their own detriment at the hands of others, that they relinquish their basic human rights to be untouched without their explicit consent.

Tell them, "but...," one time, and watch them not come to you as fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, uncles, aunties, leaders, or friends, when they become *the one* of the one-in-four.

Know that while you sponge away the brutality, and misplace the culpability of their experienced, allowing them to carry the contempt, disappointment and shame that should be reserved for their assailants, they will suffer in silence. Some of them already are.

Find what makes Christmas time magical for you, and make time to focus your energy on that. Even if you have to carve out a few moments a day, or a few minutes for a song on the radio, make time to make it about something that makes it special, not what makes it a dreadful chore to trudge through.

For some folks, it might be spending time with your children. For others, it could be watching old TV specials, or music, or making homemade gifts or putting up decorations, or looking forward to attending a parade or special events at church.

I think that our holiday spirit wanes away when we spend energy on things that bring us down, like bad news, bad health, or bad relationships. Or just bad vibes. It could even be the added stress of trying to please or impress people. 

And as time goes on, I think the thought of losing people and things from happier times, along with thoughts of growing older with fewer and fewer loved ones also plays a part. That really takes a bite out me, personally. 

Diminished happiness depletes the spirit any time of year, so at Christmas, it feels worse. One small but significant step to rediscovering some Christmas spirit is to get out from around other folks who skew your perspective, and at this time of year, especially reject those who are down on anything holiday-related.

Folks who are ready for Christmas to be over, or who are trying to rush out the old year are really not helpful to replenishing an empty soul.  I don't think people actually notice how unhelpful it is to spout on so about how ready they are for 2014 to be over.  I know, some of y'all don't care, but that's actually kind of irksome. Hide those jokers from your timeline until they cease with the drag-me-downs.

Sure. A lot of bad things happened in 2014. A lot of terrifically horrible things happened.  There has been a lot of tragic loss. But a lot of pretty wonderful things happened, too. 

Some people got married. Some got divorced.  Some had babies. Some folks remodeled their kitchens when their kids left the nest.  Some got great jobs or bought dream homes. Some reached major career milestones. Some folks went into remission. Somebody quit smoking or drinking or abusing drugs. Somebody left an abusive relationship. Somebody survived a deployment.  Perspective.

Shucks. As it happens, 2010 was a particularly bad year for me.  Two people very close to me died within a matter of months. My house was foreclosed, I lost Greenpiece, and went through the single most excruciatingly soul-sucking breakup of my life.

But one of my friends had her first child, when so-called experts said that she'd never bear children. I think it would've  been pretty thoughtless of me to spit on an entire year, or month, or day of a year, as if bad stuff was the only stuff worth acknowledging.

I'm thinking that if you've got someone in your headspace who's been singing Auld Lang Syne since August, then it might not be a bad idea to cut that particular company loose, if you're trying to find or retain some Christmas spirit. If not, drop 'em anyway. You can cry in your own eggnog without their help. Or you can find something cheerful to spike it with. Something magical, even. And not necessarily of the 100 proof variety.

For many of us, times are such that if we want to keep the Christmas spirit, we have to fight for it. The struggle is real. My soul is a witness.

It's not difficult to find something wrong with any moment of any day of any month of any year. Be mindful of those who are resigned to being in a perpetual state of the moody blues, and either beat 'em or join 'em.

I believe that the now infamous Stephen A. Smith "elements of provocation" comments were so easily taken out of context because he failed to consider the elements of domestic violence when making them.

It's not enough to (now) note that the Ray Rice incident was not some random fight between angry, unrelated individuals, but an episode of violence between intimate partners, which is a cornerstone in the foundation of domestic abuse. It should also bear a spotlight as yet another significant and high-profile display of how readily violent aggression and physical retaliation of men against women are accepted, expected, and dismissed in a victim-blaming culture.

Whatever there is in any of our human NATURES, or illnesses, that inclines us to violent or abusive acts, we have not the RIGHTS to inflict those inclinations upon other human beings, and then attempt to cover the foul acts with their perceived or presumed sins.

No person, man, woman or child, has a right to be a physical aggressor, no matter how angry or ill-equipped to respond with an adequate form of self expression.  Your inability to healthily manage your anger and allowing that inability to manifest itself onto someone else is your own human failing. 

Own that shit. Work on it. Go to therapy. Anything other than excusing and justifying it.

If a person is defending oneself from my (however unlikely) physical attack, said person has the right to resist me, restrain me, or remove me or oneself from our commonly occupied space.

That person, and particularly a man, for whom I will never be a physical match, does not have the right to backhand, bitch slap, throat punch, gut check, molly-whop, or skull drag (or any variation thereof) me into submission, tap out, or unconsciousness, and then hold me accountable for the "elements" that "provoked" the altercation, while absolving himself of responsibility, and especially not by suggesting how said altercation might have been avoided.

Don't play the "man card" and then tell me it's too much to expect you to be a man.  Whatever the way to man up is, it is certainly not to beat a woman down. Ever.

The "man card" trumps the "see what you made me do" card.

Abusers, much like bullies, don't need to be provoked.  The only way to avoid domestic abuse is to not be an abuser.

And ladies, if you're going around spouting that, "Don't hit a man, and then expect not to be hit back...Don't go mouthing off to a man, and not expect him to pop you in the mouth..." rhetoric, then it might be in your favor to reconsider and reevaluate some of the male company you keep.

I'm thankful for reading.  It's fundamental.
 I've been reading (or thinking I could read) for far back as I can remember.  Reading is freedom.  Reading is power.  Reading is the cure.
Long before it became fashionable to be a nerd, I had my nose in a book somewhere.  Learning to read may well be the most valuable free gift in the entire world. 
Something very powerful exists in the ability to read and comprehend. So many selfish people out there depend on the illiteracy of others to build their own power base...journalists, politicians, business folks, so-called friends who love to be the "smartest" one in your circle.  A person who controls your mind controls your behavior.  If you cannot read and
comprehend on your own, you are literally controlled by someone else's interpretation of the truth.  Reading frees the mind to infinite possibilities.
 Readers are leaders.

Day 5 / Letter E:  I'm thankful for email, education, elevators, empowerment, and encouragement.

I'm thankful for email, and free email addresses, although some of you fuckers out there abuse the hell out
of your contact lists with all the spam and blasting.  Email is a pretty awesome invention, and it can be a really efficient form of communication.  Can be.

I'm thankful for education and the educators who provide it.  I'm sure I'll repeat this gratitude at least once more, when I get to the Letter T, and any other letter that presents the opportunity, because I think teachers should be thanked as often as possible.  I've had some pretty awesome formal and informal educators, and I'm glad that I retained so much of what they tried to teach me.

I'm thankful for elevators, and not just the ones that carry lazy bastards like myself and freight up and down flights of
stairs.  I'm thankful for people who elevate other people, and for all of the physical, spiritual and emotional support they provide.  You rock!

I'm thankful for empowerment.  It's not easy for someone who, by most statistical accounts, should have been a life failure, to stay any particular course or to press forward, despite any number of difficult circumstances; but
I'm very fortunate that I had people in my path who were not only my elevators, but my empowerers. Yes, I have enough education to know that that's not a word.  
 
I'm thankful for the people in my past and present who were and are way-pavers and encouragers.  You help me to expect more from myself, and have given me positive examples of how to encourage, elevate, educate, and empower
others.  And not by blasting them with a whole bunch of funky-ass, empty-headed, soulless emails.

Day 4/Letter D:  discipline, drive, dreams, Chuck D, and David. 
I'm am really thankful for the discipline to hold my peace when I'd rather let loose. I'd like to credit the Army for that, but I think the credit mostly belongs to my upbringing. 
I'm thankful for the discipline that gives me the drive in my heart to pursue my dreams.  Isn't that discipline that keeps you moving when you want to just do nothing?  I think that's what discipline is.
I'm thankful for Chuck D, from Public Enemy, who may be my favorite socially conscious rapper of all time.  I love the sound of his voice.  *Sigh* I miss intelligent rappers.
I'm thankful for David, my first boyfriend in college, for being a kind, generous, and thoughtful guy.  He was also a great kisser.  He is one of the few exes I think about from time to time, who always brings a smile to my face.  I hope he's somewhere doing well. :)

Day 3/Letter C:  I'm thankful for credibility, character, and cookies.
It takes a while to build credibility, and a lifetime to maintain it.  I think I'm in a good place personally, with plenty of room to grow, but I also want to continue to build credibility as an artist.  That's a big challenge, but I'm sure it will come if I keep at it.
I'm also thankful to be surrounded by people with good character, and for having been exposed to people without it, even though some of those lessons learned were really tough.
And of course, who could come across the letter C without acknowledging cookies?  Thank you, Cookie Monster!  Even though you get more cookies on the counter than you get in your mouth, you're still the coolest monster on
Sesame Street. *nomnomnom*